Kathleen & Annie "getting the party started" one party at a time

Kathleen & Annie
Originally uploaded by KPerricone.

Aren't we the cutest couple? This is about two hours before our lives were changed at Down the Hatch by the buttcrack girl (see diminishingreturns.net for an explanation).

My life was also changed that night with a chance encounter of a "white rapper" somewhat resembling Snow (remember that Canadian, eh? He "informed" us all that he would lick our boombooms down or something like that). I made Annie take a picture of me with him in the background so it didn't look to obvious. She claims the picture didn't come out, but I think she's hording it for herself. Although it is possible that his all-white outfit threw the flash off just a bit.

At some point in my quasi-drunken stupor, I lost my ID. I think it's my karmic payback for giving some dude with a gold chain necklace a fake number. I'm usually not that mean, but since he refused to take "no" for an answer (even after pulling out every card, including the "I have a boyfriend" old-favorite). So if 407-595-2628 receives steamy late-night calls, I'm apologizing in advance.

Did you think I was going to forget this week's obligatory Bella moment?

Teethy Bella
Originally uploaded by KPerricone.

OK, so it's not the most flattering picture of her, but I'm having trouble uploading others I took from long ago. I wanted to start at the beginning when she was a pudgy little puppy. I'm still working on that.

Like how my lone pink shoe is chillaxin' behind her just waiting to be chewed on.

Name that movie

This is so completely random, but it's been in my head all day. I just want some validation -- I can't be the only loser who has seen the movie that gave us this line:

"I'll scream so awful bloody murder that people will think you tried to murder me and I'll tell them you did because boys are like that."

The first person to guess correctly will win something spectacular!

Don't hate the player -- hate the game -- but LOVE the show!

JJ
Originally uploaded by KPerricone.

If you have no idea who this fine specimen of a "player" is, than you MUST tune into the UPN every Wednesday at 9 for "The Player." The show is quickly coming to a close, so start watching now -- Don't miss a minute of the players running strong game on my girl Dawn and her two co-whore-ts, Jinelle and Ananda.

Here's some "player" lingo that you should be aware of before viewing:

AND I DID; AND I WILL; AND YOU SHOULD; AND IT IS You tell somebody that you are going to do something, whether it is telling somebody off, wearing the finest hat, or busting the smoothest rap. When you've completed it to your satisfaction you add, "And I did" to the end. You may also use "And I will," "And you should," "And it is," to emphasize what you're saying in a cool way.

BLAST (VERB) To out somebody or put them on the spot about something embarrassing or revealing in a bad way. As in to "put somebody on blast."

CIPHE (OR CIPHER) (NOUN) Verbal acrobatics. Refers to the impressive words a poet, rapper, or player uses to get his point across or to seduce the opposite sex. A cipher also refers to a circle of rappers who battle each other with their verbal skills. Example: "I spit ciphe to her on Friday and I went out with her on Saturday."

KICK ROCKS (VERB, NOUN) Phrase a player uses to send another player on his way. Example: "Game over playa. Kick rocks. Don't come back."

CHILLAXIN' (VERB) Chilling and relaxing at the same time.

CLUCKER (ADJECTIVE) An idiot; a poser. Someone who wants to be someone or something they're not.

DON'T HATE THE PLAYER, HATE THE GAME (CATCHPRASE) What you tell players who hate on you because your game is better than theirs and you got what they wanted and they didn't.

HATER (NOUN, VERB) Somebody who talks trash about another player. Definitely a no-no because players don't hate.

HOLLAH AT YA PLAYA (CATCHPRASE) Say something to somebody like hello or goodbye.

JUST DO YOU (CATCHPRASE) How to keep it real. Example: "Just do you, and I'll do me."

JUST KEEPIN' IT REAL (CATCHPRASE) What you say after lying through your teeth or when tired of fakin' it anymore. Or to prove that you're more down to earth than a.) you seem or b.) the other person is capable of being.

LIVE (ADJECTIVE) As in "live wire." Excellent; top notch.

MOUTHPIECE (NOUN) What every player needs, more so than looks. It's the mouthpiece that makes the reputation and gets a girl or guy to do what a player wants.

NECK (CATCHPRASE, NOUN) What you say while hitting your neck when somebody is an idiot or clucker.

POP THE COLLAR; POP YA COLLAR (CATCHPRASE) One pops one's collar by snapping up the collar of their shirt to signify the fact that something they've done is worthy or cool.

RUN SOME GAME Try to get a girl/guy to like you by using your mouthpiece well, even if you don't mean what you're saying. If it works, you have good game.

SHARING IS CARING (CATCHPRASE) Can refer to sex or food--depending on your character.

TRILL (ADJECTIVE) Cool. From the Latin "just keepin' iTRILL."

That's a nose, right?

Eggplant
Originally uploaded by KPerricone.

Moments after this photo was taken, Lisa "John Bobbitt-ed" Mr. Eggplant. And we enjoyed him. Oh, those double entendres!

It's time yet again for the weekly obligatory picture of Bella!

SleepyBella7/27
Originally uploaded by KPerricone.

I'm sure you all were waiting with baited breath for this. This fine specimen of a big-eared, body-less canine is my baby girl after I woke her up from her afternoon slumber. If you look closely at her right eye, you can see what the Sandman left for her. I just love picking those things out of her eyes! I'm so gross.

My best friend is dead, bitch. And all I got was this vodka-induced hangover.

A highly inebriated Andy Dick struck again! He and his over-eager tongue hit up Suede (http://www.wireimage.com/GalleryListing.asp?navtyp=gls====72280&nbc1=1) this week in NYC. They say that everyone deals with death in different ways. And in Andy's case, that was attempting to resurrect the spirit of his so-called "best friend" Rick James (http://www.wireimage.com/GalleryListing.asp?navtyp=gls====72100&nbc1=1) and get "super freaky" with innocent bystanders. And it was "the kind of stuff we read about" on Page Six.

On a related note, does anyone remember his sketch comedy on MTV a few years ago? My favorite skit was when he mocked the show "Fear," which sent unsuspecting young adults into haunted hotels, jails, and mental hospitals with a video camera and spotlight strapped to their heads. He was sent into a haunted convenient store and got lost in the greeting card section. He picked up one card that said "I only have eyes for you" and instantly began screaming. I have it on tape somewhere.

Speaking of, for those who don't know, I have a bountiful library of 10 years worth of stupid things I've taped off TV. Which wouldn't be so bad. Except I took it one step further and annotated each tape, writing down everything recorded (some even have cute little explanations and "HaHa"s wirtten in the margins).

Here are a few tidbits of my shame: (Sorry there's so many, but this is a good catharsis for me. I can only get over my hang-ups by facing them dead-on. Don't feel compelled to read them)

AJ Benza clips from that Hollywood Scandals show he hosted on E! And when I say "clips," I mean clips of only him talking between the re-enacted segments. I didn't care about the show; I just had a huge crush on him. I wish I hadn't just typed those words. Where's the delete button on this thing?

Mary Cherry trying out to be a Teen Tart on the best show ever to hit the WB, "Popular." She did an interpretive dance of Falco's hit "Rock Me Amadeus" for a panel of judges, which included a one Mr. Jim J. Bullock.

Howard Stern's Whack Pack remaking the "Whaz up" commercial.

Ellen DeGeneres' "I like grapes/I was under the desk" comedy routine. (Only Lindsay probably knows what this is)

Live version of Snoop Dogg's "Muder Was the Case" at the 1994 (or 1995, not sure) MTV Video Awards where he was pushed out in a wheelchair and ended the rousing performance (complete with lit-up cross and a choir chanting "Murder") with "I'm innocent."

Rob Van Winkle (ne Vanilla Ice) destroying the set of "The Worst Videos of All Time" show hosted by John Stewart, Janeane Garofalo, and Chris Kattan. And Kattan kept screaming "No Vanilla, no!"

Jerry Seinfeld calling an old bag an "old bag" because she wouldn't give up her marble rye.

Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious" video.

A live version of "Lady Marmalade" with my girl Xtina at the MTV Movie Awards.

Corey and Dominic of Flickerstick (Nick's all-time fav band) kicking the crap out of each other on VH1's "Bands on the Run." Rex: "It’s Corey’s world…" (Again, only Lindsay knows what this is)

Elliott Offen jogging through the streets of Manhattan in women's lingerie (as opposed to "men's" lingerie).

And many, many more! Anyone else remember these things? Or do they only exist in my sick, sad world…and VHS collection?

The weekly gratuitous and obligatory picture of Bella

GrassLover-2
Originally uploaded by KPerricone.

Here she is doing what she does best: lying around and looking cute. This was at my parents' house in Orlando a few weeks ago. And in case you were worried, big bad Hurricane Charley didn't get to her (although he did interfere with her bathroom schedule, but she held it like a good girl). And oh yeah, my family is OK too.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Backends...aka Nick, Kathleen, and Zoe have too much free time.

The following is the result of 2.5 hours of down time prior to writing thought-provoking trivia for yet another captivating episode of "Strong Medicine" on Lifetime.


RTV's hot new band is taking the music world by storm!

The Backends

Breakthrough album "TV Just Got Better" dropping on Interscope Records on September 30, 2004.

Band members: Kathleen (drums), Nick (recorder/vocals/comedy stylings) Zoe (guitar/saw), Jeremy (kazoo), Raven (vocals/MC), Brittany (choreagrapher), Annie (triangle), Diane (guitar/scheduling), Kurt (booker/manager), Sebastian (SEAbass), and Sal (manager/wardrobe).

Song titles include, but are not limited to:
"Please read my blog"
"Hey Akil, Law & Order at 8 is good"
"Who's ordering food?"
"Are you down with IPP (Yeah, you know me)"
"Can you check me out? (the ad loggers song)"
"Don't shake the vending machine" (feat. Kelis and Pharrell Williams)
"Do you need this computer?"
"Nick, please stop talking (Last Night's Gem)"
"In an advertisement during this program..."
"I'm not editing Rose (the editors' lament)"
"What do you do during the day?(Nothing really)"
"Bea, I need Saturday off"

Hidden track:
"God, I really want to write screenplays"

Our first gig will be over by the copier on Wednesday at 7:15-7:30 before our shifts begin. Be there or be square!

One is cute, one is not -- you guess!

Me&Bella7/28
Originally uploaded by KPerricone.

I Blog the Body Electric

Ok, enough of this “I’m going to start a blog” crap. I’m doing it. Ok, done. I did it. I grew weary of the age-old question: “What happened to your blog?” Hopefully this answers all inquiries.

When I looked at my Italian Greyhound calendar today and noticed it was the eighth day of the eighth month, I just knew it was fate. Eight is my favorite number! Many wonderful things come in eights: octopus arms, Venus razor cartridges (At $15.99 a pop, it's a good thing shaving is not one of my preferred pastimes), the number of ounces found in a package of Kraft Mexican shredded cheese (quesadillas = yum), etc. The list is endless, really. And don’t think for a second that I didn’t just wander my apartment to find those last two items. Also, I was born on the EIGHTeenth day of 19EIGHTy. I needn’t say more. I think I’ve proved my point beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Hopefully, things of interest will occur in my life so that I might share them with my core audience of three. But I really can’t promise anything. Interesting things can’t happen when you spend a Sunday afternoon watching an infomercial for the Jack La Lanne power juicer (not that I’m doing that; it’s a “for instance”). Did I mention his wife’s name is Elaine? Elaine La Lanne, please meet Julia Gulia.

At this very moment in time I’m thinking about: BOWTIE PASTA